When I was born, I nearly died!

The vet said that I was too thick for the average pelvis, whatever that is.

My schoolteacher (bless her), always said that if I had two brains, Id be twice as thick. Not half as smart!

Anyway, I think of it as a compliment.

Granted, my head is a bit on the big side and the thickness of my skull is about an inch, but it never had an adverse effect on my ability to study the social habits of puppies and indigenous hedgehogs.

My hands are also a little on the large side. This did affect my dreams to become a pianist, a neurosurgeon, and a transvestite, but little else. I may well achieve all three dreams, as dreams are make believe and can be pharmacologically induced, what ever that is as well.

My feet are kinda clumsy as well but that is likely to be due to the fact that my small toes are larger than my big ones. I must wear my left shoe on my right foot, but that comes easy to me. And always did!

I do admit some confusion though, when it comes to the second shoe and foot. What harm. No big deal.

Ok, I do have a funny shaped arse, but so do many people and I even have a pup with a puzzling posterior.

Dates can be difficult, and prunes can be pleasant.

My knob has a twist on it, but a twist is better than a turn.

My nose does give me problems all right, but if I had smaller fingers, it wouldnt. It is much the same as my backside in that respect!

Education was never a problem, in dreams or in fact. I always thought of it as a pass-time for people who were stupid to begin with.

Romance in my life is a bit limited, simply because I dont know what it is, or where to get it.

Money! I always had money because I inherited a pig farm. I dont run it however, and dont see the point in getting covered in excrement and porcine snot when I can manage both, without any pigs.

I live in a trailer, and enjoy a minimalist environment, and don't have the space anyway.

I love Indian food, Russian Vodka, cotton burkas, the absence of Art and the occasional hirsutophile, with or without "jelly babies".

Musically, I just love whistling and underarm acoustics in concert, and when possible.

My ideal partner was typically female with a classical education, no sense of smell, a tolerance for her own insomnia (which they seem to develop), and some mastery with a loofah.

I fear though, that such partners are a dying breed, and I may not meet any more of them.

However, I will settle for anyone bereft of the above qualities, except the sense of smell caveat.

If I had to live my life again, I'd do so without the curried fries of the 1980's and with better ear maintenance during the 1960's. The rest, was perfect!